I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
