There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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