she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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