just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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