I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
