God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize