george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
