Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
