I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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