i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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