she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
