Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
