my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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