I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
