literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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