____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
