it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
