she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
