About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
