Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
