In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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