And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
