it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize