He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
