Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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