Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
