i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize