Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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