My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize