my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
