plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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