You're so nebulous sometimes
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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