i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
