You smell like stripper and shame
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
