dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
