It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
