just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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