When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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