I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
