you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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