Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
