Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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