He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
