So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
