Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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