He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
