things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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