i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
