just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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