We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
