I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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