i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
