I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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