so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
