I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
