Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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