don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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