Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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