May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
