Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
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