i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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