it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
