her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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