I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
