I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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