Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize